Tuesday, November 29, 2011

If It's Good Enough For The Bovines

Bea had her final ride home and we completed this leg of our journey. We planted my little girl and my sweet-ass daddy Sunday afternoon and it was sad and cathartic and went exactly as it should have... as angry as John and I are, we're finding comfort in knowing that it all went how it was supposed to. For this, I am thankful.

For the past month my mama has been tombstone obsessed and for the past month, my sisters and I have avoided the subject like the pox. That too went as it should've, because she did such a good job on her very own. It's unique and it stands out... just like Mama and Daddy.

Yesterday, Angie and I got up at 5:30 and had breakfast with Papaw and Uncle Jimmy and then she and I took off at 7am and headed to Happy Valley, NC.
We tracked down the graves of Tom Dulla and Laura Foster, we climbed under electric fences and over cow pasture gates, we peed in a field and trespassed and got stuck in the mud. We had a blast. And we were home by lunch time.

Today, we're going to hunt for Frankie Silver's grave and see what else we can get into. I think Mama and John are tagging along too.

Goddammit, I've missed my sisters.

Friday, November 25, 2011

We lost our best good girl at 1:15 this morning. There's a gamut of emotions coursing through this tiny trailer. John and I are wrecked. Anguished and exhausted and just plain sad. We leave tomorrow morning at 4am to visit the fam-damn-ily and take our granny girl back home. I'm burying her near my daddy. Angie says we may have to do it by the light of the moon. Bea would totally approve of such criminal activity.

Send up a happy thought for me and John and the Mao. She's been my best friend for 15 years and she's been John's mistress for 11 of those. She's the cat behind Cat Day Afternoon. Second saddest day of my life, right here. It's gonna take years to get beyond this.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Here I go plugging again: So I follow Kyra Sedgwick over on the Twitter. A few weeks ago she was tweeting about Bath Bar and since I'm a great big ol' soap and suds slut I had to go check them out. They're all natural and organic and green and they let you mix up your own concoction of fragrances. So I tried that and requested a few samples which are only a couple of dollars and I also ordered a set of travel sized Zen Milk lotion and body wash. Well, those sweet things over at Bath Bar sent me two more travel sized sets for free. Which is nice and all even if your product sucks. However, Bath Bar doesn't suck at all. In fact, this is the best stuff I have ever,ever,ever used. EVER. No joke. My fragrance concoctions weren't so great. But that's cause I always think I know what I want to smell like, but really, that stuff is best left to the professional mix-masters. Zen Milk smells so good I want to marry it. And the lotion is unreal. It's totally smoothed out my crusty-ass elbows and I swear to God it's lightened my surgery scar. It's on the pricey side, but if you sign up for their newsletter, I think you get invited to their Black Friday sale. I totally plan on wasting gas money there come this Friday.

Monday, November 14, 2011

It's easier for me to live in the now, than it is for John. This is in regards to Bea. Because I'm the primary care-giver, I have these tasks and this planned interaction with her. For John, it's like he's mourning for her while she's still here.

Beside of our bed, I've made her a bed that's comprised of a pillow and a deluxe cedar filled dog pillow on top of that and a heating pad on top of that and a blanket on top of the heating pad. This is where she spends 98% of her time. Wouldn't you?

Some days I hold it together better than John. Some days John fares better than I do. We're watching our child grow old and die. All the while we're trying to maintain some semblance of order and normalcy for the outside world. When you lose a loved one and you go through that period of deep mourning, the rest of the world tends to treat you like a pariah. Like loss is a disease. Like they're gonna catch death from you. But if you lose an animal companion and you go through a period of staggering grief... well, you can forget about the rest of the world even giving you the time of day. Take care of a sick parent or child and everyone feels bad for you and treats you like a saint -deservedly so. Take care of a sick animal with that same level of devotion and you must be a nut-job. There's a stigma involved.

It's almost 16 years to the day that my cat Elvis died. I grieved so hard that I thought I would die. And I did it entirely alone. This time around, the sadness and fear that I'm nesting like an egg is being shared with John. Most days I just plow through it. But some days I just can't hold it all in.

Last Tuesday we took Bea to the vet because she has a sizable lump in her neck/throat area. I'd noticed it a couple of days before and it got bigger the next day so we decided to have it checked out. This is what I'll say about the vet visit: It did not go well. We left without knowing any more than when we walked in the damn door. Bea had a meltdown on the table because the vet's a fucking whack job and the vet lost her composure because Bea had a meltdown. The vet never even got to feel the lump and then she acted like we were making it up. Thank God the assistant had talked with us earlier and had felt the lump herself. So, after telling us that it's not a mouth tumor, she went on to give some half-assed diagnoses that was formed without listening to a damn word I said. I told her I disagreed with her and then Bea and I left. This is what I think: the vet sees Bea and in her mind she has already formed the opinion that this cat's dying of liver disease so there's no reason to treat her for anything else that may be going on. She also said a couple of other things in the office to John after I left that sealed the deal and made me call her the "C" word a few times in the car on the way home. The lump's still there, it's not as big as it was. I'm scared to take her to another Vet because I don't want to traumatize her any further.

That's it. That's all I've got in me for now.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

We took a ride to the Cape this weekend and I conned John into going to the Edward Gorey House. Come to find out -and I didn't know this until the next day- John thought we were going to some sea captain's house, so he was completely lost the whole time. Obviously, I'm still getting some mileage out of that one.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I bought a new car, y'all. It went something like this: I woke up one morning, got ready for work, and was about to walk out the door when John stumbles out of the bedroom all, "What the hell happened?!?". Come to find out we overslept by like an hour. So I called in sick and since John was supposed to take my car to get the oil changed the next day, he asked if I wanted to ride along with him to Auburn and see if they could fit us in that morning. They're very accommodating at the Honda dealership. So accommodating in fact, that they sold me a brand new CR-V for like 4K less than sticker price and even gave me 4K more for my old Fit than I was expecting. It's been a couple of weeks and I have yet to feel any buyer's remorse because: I love that fucking car. I've gone through a lot of automobiles in my life. I've wrecked a few, I've traded in a few. For the most part I've liked the ones I've owned. But I've never loved any of the cars I've owned. Until now. Whatever, folks. Life's too short to be unhappy with everything. And even if it wasn't too short, even if it was a long-ass life, why would you wanna spend it being miserable all the damn time. I'm tired of being miserable.

Here's some happy shit: my mamacita Lynn is going to Sedona next week and I'm sending with her a list of my prayers and intentions. She's going to deliver them to the Stupa for me. This is extremely exciting for me because a few years ago, she and I visited Sedona and the Stupa together and I have to tell you, the Stupa was just about the most intense thing about Sedona... and that's really saying something. I'm stoked. Not as stoked as I would be were I going to AZ too, but still pretty damned stoked.

Other pretty awesome stuff that's happened lately, I'm on a mad Tweet reply streak in regards to authors. Mary Kay Andrews, Deanna Raybourne and THE ROBERT MCCAMMON(!!!) have all replied to my tweets. Plus, Ms Cornelia Read told me I gladdened her tiny black heart after I told her I worshipped at her smart-ass altar. She really is genius. I'm reading her Invisible Boy right now. I've been on quite the roll.

In other news, we're not moving until the spring, but we are heading down for a visit in a few weeks. Bea's still not eating on her own, but she's actually healthier than she has been in a while because I'm feeding her and hydrating her. I posted a video on Twitter. Watch it and giggle and then feel really bad for me when you remember that I'm the one who has to manhandle her hateful ass three times a day every day. The boys are terrific.

I love him so much I wanna eat his face off.