Sunday, January 6, 2013

It's a long one, ya'll

So this is how most of my days go:  I get up at 4:30am, I get dressed and pack my lunch and I get in the car and drive to town where I purchase coffee and a breakfast sammich of some sort.  Then I drink and eat and drive and listen to a book on CD.  Last week I was listening to The Cove by Ron Rash, but it bored the ever loving shit out of me so I returned it to the library about 30 minutes before it was finished.  This week I'm listening to an Alice Hoffman book.  Anyway, I drive to Charlotte and work my ass off.   My schedule is supposed to be 9 hrs Mon-Thurs then 4 hrs on Friday.  This would rock if it ever actually worked out that way.  However, the past month or more I've been working 12 hrs Mon-Thurs and 6 hrs on Friday.  This means that I don't get home till 7pm.  Then I spend half of my weekend sleeping and the other half trying to cram in all of the things I needed to get done during the week. 

So there's that.

The holidays were pretty fucking awesome.  Thanksgiving was awesome because Angie and her gang crashed at Mama's for a few days.  We had 8 folks in the house.  It was a buttload of fun.  I'm glad I don't have any of my own, but other folk's teenagers make me laugh and laugh.  A week or so after Thanksgiving John flew back to CT to spend time with his sister and family there.  This coincided with the tragedy in Newtown.  While he was thrilled to be with his kin, he was ready to leave, because all of CT was in a state of despair.  I missed him.  But it was good for my head having to prioritize and take care of things I don't normally bother myself with.  Which leads me to 12-12-12.  I celebrated by myself.  Went outside in the dark and played my granddaddy's harmonica and stomped and contemplated.  In the 15 or so minutes that I spent outside I came to term with a lot of things.  I don't know how it all happened within that span of time, because quite frankly, I forgot all about 12-12-12 being 12-12-12.  I worked all day and drove home and took care of the cats and my household chores and showered and ate and sat down and talked to Mama and was skyping with John when it occurred to me.  So I just ran outside in my pajamas with the harmonica and I let it all out.  I had no notion of what I was going to do or think about. And other than knowing that I wanted to play music,  I hadn't prepared myself.  But these were some of my epiphanies:  I believe in God.  And not just an idea of God, but I actually believe in God.  Like, the Lord.  And I've spent way too much time being angry at Christians and being purposefully bad-ass about it and trying to be PC, and you know what, it hasn't made a damn bit of difference to anyone else.  Mainly me.  I've distanced myself from myself and I'm truly sorry for that.  I can't identify as Christian, but I can be completely comfortable praying a Christian prayer or sitting in church if I needed to.  The other kind-of epiphany I had was more of a vision. I saw the way things will be.  I saw what was true and purposeful.  How after a long day of working and surviving and tending and thriving, there will be a time for loving and laughing and being silly and being a child.  How all of these things need not be separate.  That you can't know one without the other.  That life isn't black or white or goddamn gray.  It's the color of passion.

Then Christmas.  Christmas with the all the kids and  the noise and food.  It was a blast for all of us.  We spent most of the day at Wendy's.  New years was more quiet.  John and I ate collards and beans and stew with Wendy and baby Carrie and then spent the rest of the day lounging and listening to the rain.  I was sick with a mee-graine and indigestion for a couple of days.  The weekend came.  I went treasure troving behind Papaw's house with a trowel and a ten gallon bucket and found a few shiny play-purties.  John and I went to Boone and West Jefferson yesterday.  We drank too much coffee and listened to lots of hillbilly music and didn't argue once.  Next up is monkey bread and Downton Abbey and then finding a proper house for us to buy. 

There are lots of pictures over on the Twittah.  There's a link ----> thataway.  We'll see if maybe I can't get back into the swing of blogging.

What I've been reading:  The Blue Orchard by Jackson Taylor, My Extraordinary Ordinary Life by Sissy Spacek and Angel Among Us by Katy Munger and back issues of Mother Earth News. What I've been watching:  Dexter, Homeland, American Horror Story and The Walking Dead.  Movies:  Lincoln and Moonrise Kingdom.

Also, if anyone knows how to get rid of stinkbugs, I'm offering up sexual favors in exchange for their complete annihilation. 

2 comments:

Tonya Ruanto said...

i love this post. i think you are in the same place i am. i've be noticing over the last couple of years that i had a firm idea of who i am and that idea has held me back. this last little bit of life for me has been about letting go of ideas of me and trying to be more to stay present and open. i'm thinking more with a Taoist attitude.

i know this is silly but there are clothing lines/labels, colors and beliefs i've stayed away from because they were associated with things or people i didn't like. really had nothing to do with the things themselves. i've started to analyze these thoughts and i'm trying to move forward. to give you a very superficial example, my mother's favorite color is yellow. because she and i have really never been close i decided i hated that color when i was younger because she loved it. after examining that i realized i didn't dislike the color i just associated it with something negative. just stuff like that. now there is yellow all over my house.

i have a lot of work to do on myself but it gives me a reason to get up and try harder everyday. it's making me happier to be more open.

jan said...

I know exactly what you're saying. I Identify as this type of person because it's the opposite of this other type of person. It's ridiculous. Now, I just want to be considered kind.