Sunday, February 3, 2013

I'd cut your ass for a cherry-lemon Sundrop.

I'm supposed to be writing an op-ed piece for a new magazine.  I fucking volunteered my services and now I'm all at a loss.  At first it was going to be political.  Then I thought, no, I think I'd rather it be more social commentary.  Now... well hell.  Now I've got no clue.  The editor has left it completely up to me.  He wants varying opinions.  Honestly, I think I'd rather do book reviews.  Right now, John and I are reading Proof of Heaven by Dr Eban Alexander.  It's mind-blowing.  I've only read 40 or so pages of it, and John is nearly finished.  But I think I want to do an essay somewhere along the lines of faith and compassion.  And honestly, I'm better at talking the talk than I am at walking.  I tend to trip on my own feet and step on toes. 

Mostly, I can't be pinned down.  I'm a ball of nerves, what with this house buying/mortgage thing and feeling like I'm about to come unraveled.  Odd things are afoot.  I've been seeing the shadow people... those images or shadows in the corner of your vision.  It's been my experience that when I see them, it means something's about to go down.  I like to think they're my guardians.  Daddy's birthday was the 23rd, which was the same day we officially applied for the mortgage.  Then a few days later I had a conversation with a complete stranger at the gas pump and she said, "There's no shame in not knowing how to do something.  You can't be expected to know something if no one's ever taught you."  And I felt like I'd been punched in the gut because my Daddy used to say that very thing.  But it's been years since I've heard anyone else say it that way.  It's been sad and hard, but I'm trying so much to make an effort.  To do my share and not rely on someone else or procrastinate and not do anything at all.  I hate that about myself.  That I'm afraid to put myself out there, I'm afraid of rejection or "failure" so I don't even try.  But the past few months I've been trying harder to make the effort. 

Other than that, I had another bout of the malaria and slept for like 17 hrs between Saturday and this morning.  Woke up with a stiff back and a case of the horribles.  Read some.  Drank some coffee.  Ate granola and pizza.  Have managed to lose 10 pounds over the last month or so, probably because instead of eating, I'm sleeping.  Wanted to go hiking in Linville, but am trying to conserve gas.  Visited with Wendy and Double A Friday night.  Katie and Carrie came over and entertained us.  Carrie says hippopotamus and octopus now.  Also, her first whole sentence is "Give me just a lil' bit more."  I love an assertive woman.


Tonya Ruanto said...

how'd i miss this post. love your writing. you got a way with throwing words around and having them land in a good sort.

jan said...

Ha! I don't know how I missed your comment. That's kind of appropriate, huh? You're the worlds best commenter.